We all have them. Regardless of whether or not they are our actual biological relatives: elder users of social networking impeding on our freedom and online identities. Generally, these users are women over the age of 50 newly exposed to technology and eager to be a part of this brave new world and see what their damn kids are up to.
Source: A friend
It happens without warning: you see the new friend request light up and your ego inflates with delusions of grandeur awaiting it’s next affirmation of social acceptance. You click on the notification only to find an all too familiar avatar: it’s mom. The woman who gave you life, taught you how to cross the street, is now reaching out for you to teach her. A sick feeling of dread falls over you. At this point you have three options:
1. Acceptance
Click “accept” and pray that she is aware of the unwritten rules of social networking etiquette. Give her a ninety day trial period similar to new employees. If she can behave appropriately, her rights will not be revoked at the conclusion of her probation period. Many mothers of Facebook understand the rules and can actually contribute productively with vacation photos you certainly want people to see, but you’re too humble to post yourself.
2. Denial
Click “deny.” This may seem like the simple solution, but it is not recommended. If you chose to deny the request, prepare for a telephone call in five minutes followed by awkward condemning conversations every time you meet in person for the rest of your life.
3. Block
A harsher long term solution is choosing to block the said family member so they will be invisible from all of your activity. This option however is extremely risky. If you are able to present a facade in which you “Don’t have a Facebook anymore,” and a loyal structure of friends and other family members willing to lie for you, this will work. Yet, you should proceed with extreme caution. When she finds out you were lying about something so trivial, the outcome will create more conflict in your relationship. You may want to consider actually deleting your Facebook if this proves to be too problematic.
You are Neo from The Matrix speaking with Orpheus for the first time. If you take the red pill, your entire consciousness on Facebook will change forever and never be the same. Choose the blue pill, and things will remain simple with the problems comfortably hidden beneath your perception. Let’s say you choose to accept. I urge that you find a way to convey the rules of appropriate behavior, conveniently outlined in list form so any mother can understand. Lucky for you, I have prepared the ultimate list of Facebook etiquette for mothers.
THE RULES
1. Mom I love you. Never forget that.
What I say online is not me. It is an extension of me. The same way the music that comes out of the guitar that I play is an extension of me. It may look and sound like me, but keep in mind, it is information being typed into my page and can be logged in by anyone at any computer at any time.
2. These “friends” are not my friends.
Certainly, many of the users on my page are lifelong friends that you can remember coming over for play dates and picking up from soccer practice. The majority of them, are not. They are my peers, coworkers, ex-lovers, and some of them I’ve never even met. Yes mom, in the digital age, we form relationships often over social networks. Often, we may share mutual friends, a mutual interest, but a lot of the time, we share a collective loneliness, an internal void that can only be filled with forming these connections. And yes, I said ex-lovers. I’ve dated many of the people on my “friend list.” Can you guess which ones? Are you beginning to understand why you do not belong here?
3. My friends are not your friends.
When you ultimately make it far along enough in the process and begin closely examining my list of friends, you will recognize some names and faces. Desperate to improve your number of friends and overcome with the curiosity of whether or not I turned out more successful than these kids, you send a request to my best friend, our old old soccer carpool, and bus stop buddy. Statistically, one of them will accept and you will have someone new to stalk online.
4. Don’t be a troll.
Think about the Treasure Trolls I had all over my childhood bedroom. Sure, I’d play with them, but they were mostly watching: Watching, and judging everything I said or did. I have to be honest here and say that I have a few friends on Facebook who are friends of my mother. They understand the rules, contribute appropriately, and enhance the overall experience. It is also worth mentioning that I had to create an example out of one and revoke her privileges for a short period of time. I stopped to see my mother on the way to the beach, and she already knew where I was headed because her friend mentioned to her that I mentioned my plans for the day somewhere on my Facebook. The horror of mothers knowing and discussing my whereabouts away from the comfortable guise of my computer monitor was too much to handle and this mom-friend was blocked for a period of six months. Eventually I revoked her “time-out” and sent a new request. It’s almost like parenting your parents. Create an example out of one, and the rest will learn what kind of behavior you will tolerate.
5. The things I post on my timeline are not posted specifically for you.
My timeline is not a way for me to write to you and send you pictures on a personal level. That is what email and DMs are for. That acronym by the way is for “Direct Message,” and is the appropriate way that we should communicate personal messages and conversations. We can communicate directly on this page, and now you can even use cute little emoticons. Not sure what an emoticon is? Maybe I should just turn this into a novel… Fine, I’ll just call you like you like.
6. Commenting on everything I post is strictly prohibited.
When this happens, you are showing everyone on my page that they need to be on their best behavior, similar to if we were all sitting in the same room. You are making your presence noted, and abusing your privileges. Soon, my friends and funny commenters begin to vanish one by one until all that is left is me having a public conversation with my mother on Facebook.
7. Thou shalt not post excessively on my wall.
This is not your page, it is mine. This rule abused on such a large scale that I gave it the syntax similar to of one God’s Ten Commandments. Take a minute and look at my timeline. I may have a few articles, video clips, and messages from friends on there, but do they post directly on my wall on a daily basis? When you do that, you are alienating my peers again creating a public mom to me discourse more appropriate for a DM.
8. I will not water your crops
Many mothers of Facebook will quickly discover that in addition to social networking, it is a convenient user-friendly gateway to a number of psychologically addictive games. In essence, if you believe that marijuana is a gateway drug to other drugs, prepare to be hooked on crank. They will first appear adorable to you. Look at that little baby cow with eyes like saucers! Those jellybeans and peppermints remind you of the gingerbread we use to make together before we all got old and hooked on technology. Just like any other addiction, you will shortly be in over your head and the cows and jellybeans become a full time job. You will find yourself in your waking life daydreaming about where to build the new barn, or how to clear the candies in that seemingly impossible level. When you close your eyes, you will see them. It’s no coincidence. These games were engineered to get into your head and take your money. Mom-friend, I know these games are “free,” but, again, your words, nothing is free. Do yourself a favor, and just say no. Use the hours you would spend watering imaginary crops and plant some tomatoes in your backyard. You would be amazed to see what you can grow in real life. If it’s too late and you’ve already begun the downward spiral of networking games, do not send invitations or requests to users that do not play games. It annoys those of us that see them for what they really are. Fun fact, Kim Kardashian is expected to profit $8.8 million dollars from her new app game.
9. Do not share embarrassing childhood photos without consent
You finally found out what #tbt means, and are prepared for your stock in social networking skyrocket once you post that picture of me when I was twelve, fat, covered in acne, and wearing dental headgear. Please remember that deep down that kid still lives inside me and does not appreciate you introducing her to the entire world. If you consider it appropriate and believe that I will also find humor in it, do me a favor and show me before I find it tagged on my timeline for the world to see.
When you look into a computer screen, you are looking through a window into the past, present, and future. The infinite possibilities may overwhelm you as you have been “unplugged from the Matrix” for the first time in your adult life. Do not abuse this power and do not let it consume your life. Networking tools are just that: tools for enriching your experience. They are not the experience.
Facebook was created by us, for us. In the mid 2000’s, we spent hours petitioning and signing up fake email accounts in hopes of Mark Zuckerburg adopting our state school. It was created as a secret society you could only join if you were among the ranks that studied hard enough in High School to get into college. Allowing anyone to join not only destroys its exclusivity, yet also creates a limitless venue for cyber-bullying, marital infidelity, selfless promotion, and egoism.
Be careful out there Ma, and again, I will not water your crops.
